“Dating” on dating apps for the first time after 30 years
Using a dating app when you're used to meeting in person can be unsettling.
If singles are used to swipingleft and right for a long time, we sometimes forget that other people are getting their start on dating apps. Whether it's because we've been able to resist for a long time or because we've spent the last decade as a couple, arriving on these platforms after the age of 30 can be destabilizing to say the least.
“At 30 or 40, when you've never met online and you open the apps for the first time, you can be a little discouraged,” concedes psychologist Dr. Janick Coutu.
Love life coach Marie-Soleil Cordeau, who accompanies women to help them understand how to have happier relationships, agrees: “Most people find it extremely difficult and are not used to this type of report that.”
Sara, a Generation Y Montrealer, is well aware of the difficulties of this change in the way of dating. After 11 years of relationship, she found celibacy and registered on Tinder and Facebook Dating without trying to settle down at all costs. And let's say she's not won over by the concept.
“What discourages me the most is the time it takes to put into it and the skimming infinity that needs to be done”, she confides.
Tinder celebrated its 10th anniversary on September 12. Before the arrival of applications, we encountered… in person. Yes, there were sites like Réseau Contact, but their popularity was less. And in person, you could feel the chemistry or get to know the human beyond his “salu sava?”
“I met people in bars , at parties, by friends, at dinners… recalls Sara, who finds that “it's really weird getting to know people you don't see”.
However, Dr. Janick Coutu stresses that it It's normal to meet fewer new people when you're in your twenties.
Not only has the way of meeting people changed greatly, but in addition, we are no longer the same age. It is certain that at 20 years old, the opportunities to meet new people are life every week. The older we get, the less frequent it is.
Dre Janick Coutu
Ghosting etc.  ;
Whether they like it or not, people like Sara find themselves dealing with the music of dating apps: abusive comments, inbox surge and ghosting to no end. In her case, it is to the point where she has chosen to open her accounts only to other women, even if she is also interested in men, whom she considers too “intense” in their approach on the web.
“As with all social networks, the difficulty is that the screen makes you forget that the person at the other end is a human being who has emotions,” recalls the psychologist. It's true that remarks about the size of the breasts of people you've just met are rarer in real life than on an application, let's say.
To that, we add the volume. Sara, for example, deleted Tinder from her phone in exasperation at the 90 matches she could have every day with men who obviously hadn't read her bio or learned the basics of etiquette. < /p>
Imagine how people can feel whose many matches end in rejection. “Now, in one evening, you can experience this disappointment with 30 different people, notes Dr. Coutu. It definitely has a greater impact.”
Learning detachment
To preserve a minimum of your mental health through your use of dating applications, there are a few tips. At the top of the list: remembering that our value as human beings is not quantifiable by virtual reports. In other words, when you get ghosted, you have to keep in mind that the other may not even be looking to actually meet.
“You have to be able to take a certain distance from what is happening on these applications, be strong enough and have mourned your old relationship to have an experience that is not too difficult on self-esteem. self-evident or too depressing,” advises Dr. Coutu.
I think the basis is having done a good job on self. You have to know yourself well, have settled your past and be on the lookout for your needs. From the moment we know our vulnerabilities and we don't take things personal because we are able to put what is happening on the dating app into perspective, the experience is sure to be more pleasant. .
Marie-Soleil Cordeau, love life coach.
Setting time limits and identifying the needs you are trying to meet are also part of the recommendations. We can also open up to opportunities to meet in person, for example by registering for leisure activities, while keeping hope of finding a match, whether on the web or not.
“Even my father met on social networks, I can't believe it won't happen to me!”, Says Sara laughing.
