“Dirty talk”: dare or shut up?
When we think of sexual chatter, there are of course the clichés: the “you like it my bitch” modeled on porn and the squeaky-squeaky phrases learned on the job. The affair with the dirty talk, is that there is always the fear of ringing false or downright saying one word too much in a post #MeToo era. Between two Instagram posts on consent, we are able to wonder: can we really say everything in the bedroom? Is it still possible to loosen your tongue without getting stuck in it?
We talk, we talk… but what are we talking about?
Although they exist, the clichés associated with dirty talk generally do more harm than good by limiting our horizons: “We often associate the dirty talkto humiliating or degrading words, but it is only one option among many others”, recalls Emmanuelle Hébert, sexologist.
In its liberated form, dirty talk is a powerful communication tool that has the power to increase our pleasure before, during and after sex.
- It can take the form of compliments, to make partners feel sexy and desirable (I love your body/you look beautiful when you do this);
- You can use it to encourage your partners and say you want more (I really like it, keep going/f*ck yes it's so good);
- To express what we want to give or receive (I want to run my tongue all over your body/take me like this);
- To embody dominance or submission (wait for my permission to enjoy/I'm yours) and more!
Take back control
Even if it allows you to confirm that you have fun throughout a relationship, you should know that dirty talk is not implicitly consensual. Setting boundaries is tricky when you're caught in the heat of the moment, and certain words can evoke a host of intense and unexpected emotions.
To do this, it is better to have a discussion beforehand, advises Emmanuelle Hébert. “In a healthy relationship, exploring one's boundaries should be a source of fulfillment, and partners benefit from opening up this space to express themselves. This concept is used in empowerment approaches, with the idea of reclaiming one’s sexuality without taking into account social expectations”.
So we should talk with a clear head about our turn-ons, what excites us, and the things we like to hear, including we want more or even rough wordsthat we would like to introduce to his sensual vocabulary. And of course, it is during these caring conversations that we can draw the line and banish certain sensitive words from the bedroom. A much-needed space to restore their agency, particularly to survivors of sexual trauma.
Au serving the imagination
“Crossing prohibitions and taboos stimulates the zone of fear in our brain, which is also the zone of pleasure and excitement », emphasizes Emmanuelle Hébert. The dirty talk therefore allows us to dip our toes into the world of BDSM and bring to life transgressive scenarios that could only exist in an intimate context. Of course, it is essential to have a safe word which, coupled with a good session of aftercare (a moment of softness after the act) , guarantees that everything takes place with respect and listening.
To start gently, nothing better than sexting to get used to verbalizing your pleasure! In writing, dirty talk is a great creative playground for remote excitement in addition to providing a comfortable environment in which to search for words. We can even use what is said in Messenger to initiate hot IRL conversations: “I liked what you were describing yesterday, would you like us to try that together? »
With a little practice, dirty talk gives us the chance to materialize our fantasies, assign a particular theme or color to our sexual relationships and even offers us the opportunity to explore power dynamics in a safe way. So exit the fear of being cringy (uncomfortable) or of saying the wrong things, since it is for our sexual well-being to verbalize our fun before, during and after our sexual relations. As Emmanuelle Hébert puts it so well: “Communication is sexy!”