Horoscope 2023: prophecies and pranks

Our columnists predict the year 2023 with humor.

CHRONICLE – In a large pot picked up at Urban Outfitters, we pitched a bunch of sage, which we consecrated with a eucalyptus-scented candle (good for bathing and neopagan rituals ), we closed our eyes and snorted a lot of incense to project our third eye into 2023. Here are the predictions we brought back from our astral journey on the orange line!< /p>

Les nurses à boutte

Some people read tea leaves. We read in the butter toast of pinottes eaten illegally. In yours, we see that in 2023, the situation will be stable: we will still impose compulsory overtime on you, we will still demand more effort from you without offering you more money, and we will still call you “our guardian angels”, who protect us while we take the metro no mask during a triple epidemic of flu/covid/disco fever.

Fady Dagher

Photo taken from the Ville de Longueuil website

The last time someone said there was “a new sheriff in town”, it didn't end very well. The new director of the SPVM, the closest we have to a sheriff in Montreal, will he be luckier? His lucky numbers are 7, 8 and again 7. Like the SPVM's record budget of $787 million. Mercury may go downhill, but the police budget never stops progressing.

The owners of 28 triplex

According to your chart, Saturn will transit in Aquarius while new dollars will make their way to your checkout transit. According to your infosale, you will make yourself even richer in 2023, when changing the letterbox and giving three strokes of the bottom of the canisse on a light switch will be on the program of your renovations.

The tenants

Your house 1 is in Libra, and count yourself lucky because it's the only house you'll be able to afford again this year. Take comfort, you may live in a poorly insulated semi-basement and your shower head may be holding up with duct tape, but at least you don't have a lawnmower to go through! In 2023, you will learn to cultivate gratitude. As well as beans on the sill of your barred window.

14-year-olds with a job

We would have taken time to do the complete analysis of a 22-arcana tarot reading, but you don't have time to read this because there are people at your McDonald's checkout who can't wait to be stupid with it you. Good luck with your job where children are shamelessly exploited, and good luck for your June exam on the seigneurial regime and fractions!

The STM

Photo: Marc Bruxelle/123RF

*breaststroke brews brews a handful of dice of destiny* Oh! In 2023, STM, you hope to meet great people and attract 15 to 20% new conquests. Or simply reconnect with all your exes, who have been shying away from you since they no longer have to go to the office every day. Unfortunately, the Moon is in Taurus, the date is in Zoom, and your budget is solidly in the red.

The 52,000 children without daycare

In Chinese astrology, it's the year of Peppa Pig and children born under the sign of the dog (aka Bluey) will finally make their way to subsidized daycare this year. It's because flat that they also take the path to secondary school at the same time.

The probable global recession

Let's do some numerology: when we add the numbers of 2023, we get 7. We add the key rate of 4.25% and the inflation rate of 6.9%, and we get… [pedals on an abacus]… that the recession has a very good chance of having a very good year… her.

Elon Musk

Photo taken from Elon Musk’s Instagram

Let us read the lines of your hand… Houlala… You have really crooked fingers. Could it be that you're spending a little too much time writing on your phone? Take a break. Stop running your companies with the virtual equivalent of “want to go out with me? tick yes or no. Buy an ocean with the change lying between the sofa cushions and walk in it without stopping.

The metavers

Dear Metavers… How would you say that… We are card shooters. We refuse to date Sagittarians (too impulsive!). We do not go under scales, not even salary scales. The other day, we saw gulls flying low, and we immediately thought that it was a bad omen, so we burned a bunch of parsley to chase away the spirits. In short, we are really really gullible. Worse even us, we can't believe that you will be used for anything one day.

To delight you even more in the humor of the duo behind “Are you going to finish?” headed to their website. ClickHERE.